Blackadder as Voldemort with a bit of star trek
by Spiny Norman
Summary: What If Rowan Atkinson Would Be Voldemort? It's a five minute story and a bit incoherent, sorry about that. Somehow a bit of star trek slipped in, it makes no sense but there you are.


**What If Voldemort Was A Black Adder?**

The future lord Voldemort is sitting in the Slytherin common room, with his three family house elves. He is very cross at the world in general. He makes a decision.

"From now on, I shall be known as... as... "  
All sit thinking. After a while, house elf Percy says: "Well, mylord, if we can not think of a name, can't we just pretend that we have thought of a name, but we won't say it because it's to scary to tell."  
House elf George joins in: "Yes, you can be 'He Who Cannot Be Named."  
But Tom Riddle replies coolly: "Noo... there has got to be something better than that. Baldrick!"  
House elf Baldrick comes up: "Yes mylord."  
"Get me the scrabblebord! I will mix all the letters of my name until I have found something worthy enough! How about 'red motor devl Volma'? Or Drommel orvol dalit? Vader Olmot? ... "

Later that day, there is a knock on the door of lord Voldemort. It is house elf Baldrick. "I have a cunning plan mylord."  
Voldemort replies without much patience: "Yes Baldrick, what is it this time? Your last plan of hiding myself on the back of someone else's head wasn't that great, actually. A first year student kicked my ass, how about that."  
"Well, you know mylord, how this boy with the scar on his head always ruins our plans."  
"Yes, how could I forget."  
"How about we drive by his house this summer and shoot a gun at him."  
"Noooo, that will never work Baldrick. That's so easy there has got to be something Dumbledore did to prevent it."  
House elf Percy says: "You don't know that for sure, mylord."  
But Voldemort has stopped listening: "Oh shut up the lot of you! I have a better idea. I will disguise myself as an old granny, and get him to take a bite out of an apple... a poisoned apple."  
House elfs: "What, like the ones we just ate?"

Later, Baldrick goes to Voldemort again. "YES, Baldrick, what is it this time."  
"Sir, why don't you just send someone to that boy with the scar to beat him up."  
Percy adds: "Or throw a handgranade at him."  
Voldemort replies: "Nice try Baldrick, but not clever enough. I have a cunning plan. I will make an Emergency Diary Hologram of myself. Then, I'll let him read the diary and he will get possessed. Next, WE will then show up, disguised als exorcists, and get a chance to lay a nasty spell on him. Instead of exorcising him, we will exorcise his own personality. ... "  
Baldrick offers yet another suggestion: "My lord. If you could send a robot back in time, you could let it kill his parents before their son is even conceived."  
Voldemort suddenly has a look of genius on his face: "Wait! I have a better idea. I will send a robot back in time to prevent his parents from ever starting a family.  
The house elfs cheer. "Very cunning, my lord!", they shout.  
Voldemort laughs, "Haha, hasta la vista, Harry! But that would have be in 1984, or 1985. I could also go myself, with a Delorean car I could steal from doc Brown, to the year 1955 and prevent them from falling in love. But I'd have to be careful not to break the space-time-continuum. I hate it when that happens..."

Voldemort is grinning as he enters the house. He is clearly in a good mood.  
The house elfs ask: "What is it, oh lord?"  
"I've just put into action a brilliant and very cunning plan to get rid of that little Potter forever."  
House elf Percy: "Brilliant!"  
House elf George: "Hurrah!"  
House elf Baldrick: "Congratulations mylord. So how did you do it?"  
Voldemort explains: "It was very simple really. I took his snitch, I pretended to throw it straight up. He didn't notice I only pretended to throw, but held it secretly behind my back. He thinks it's flying higher and higher, into space..."  
House elf George is puzzled: "So if it's in space, how will he ever get it back?"  
House elf Percy: "Yes, suppose the borg assimilate his snitch."  
Voldemort is not disappointed by their lack of understanding. He didn't expect much anyway and he is still pleased with himself. "You three are hopeless. Baldrick, put this snitch in the fridge. I'll have it for lunch tomorrow."

And far out in space, something completely different is happening. On the starship enterprise, commander Data detects a strange phenomenon:  
"Captain, there is a certain mr. Potter decloaking of the starboard bough. He appears to be travelling on a firebolt-class broom. Such brooms are not capable of warp speed, by lack of warpcore and shields."  
Captain Picard is never surprised (at least, not anymore after that incident with the giant space hamsters):  
"Open a hailing frequency. No wait, just put it on an external speaker"  
"Aye sir." Picard speaks: "Mr. Potter, are you aware that you are out in space?"  
Harry: "I am? Gosh, I was just chasing a snitch of mine. Voldemort said he had thrown it in this direction, but I still didn't even catch sight of it."  
Picard puts on an explanatory voice:  
"Mr. Potter, if this snitch of yours was going in the same direction as you were, it will by now have entered borg territory.  
As we speak, it has surely been assimilated by the borg. It is now a borg-snitch. It's life, but not as we know it. I suggest you abandon your chase and go home."  
Harry: "I have a great idea! If you could install a tractor beam and a warpcore onto my broom, I could get pretty much any snitch I want!"  
Picard has to deny this request: "I'm sorry, young man, but the prime directive does not allow that. Can we beam you back to Hogwarts instead?"  
"Yes, if Dumbledore could lower his shields for a second."  
Picard to Data: "Mr. Data, beam mr. Potter aboard and set a course for Hogwarts."

PS Picard is walking up and down in front of someone. It is Voldemort. "Someone has been tampering with timelinecontinuity. Was it you?"  
Voldemort denies: "No. Why?"  
"Did you break the space-time continuum?"  
Voldemort: "Alright, it was me! So what? These things happen all the time you know. At least I didn't make time loop. It was an accident! I'm not one of those 'destroy-the-universe'-types!"

Note. This piece was originally written in tv/film script format. This is the reason why there is a lot of dialogue, but very little descriptive material. Please use your imagination to fill in the gaps - it is a parody anyway, so some images may already be there inside your head.


End file.
